I woke last night at 2.19am with knots in my stomach, doubts and thoughts in my head of what am I doing. I left our bed and as the Easter bunny distributed the chocolates and presents to our boys.
I continually breathed and felt all the feelings and emotions that were in my body.
When I applied to reduce my hours at the hospital it was a similar feeling to when I wrote Remember, completely intuitive and I just knew it was the next right step for me to make. There was no panic or question, my body felt in complete trust with the move that I was making. The words that kept continually coming to me where “it’s time”. When making changes in habits, or routines there will always be the voice of fear and uncertainty expressing the opinion of returning to safety, to the comfortable. This is what the hospital and the routine of working shift work has been for me. So incredibly comfortable. Not just the work at the hospital but also not having to meet and get to know new people, I have a fairly set routine working shift work and it has been that way for many years. Even down to going days without seeing Scott because our work hours cross over and we are ships in the night. The comfort of the same stories in my life – “I am working”, “I am tired from work”.
I have felt something in my body for a while, a change, a culmination of emotion of taking responsibility, self-trust, intuition. Change or nothing changes. No one else is going to do it for me. A deep feeling of moving, taking the leap before the net is there to catch me, while also knowing that I have the wings to fly.
This is where I am making moves and learning self-trust. I know it is there, but I do not understand the depth of my self-trust. Self-trust means to me that no matter the situation or the choice I have made, I am devoted to that choice and myself, being open to receiving, open to giving and moving in the direction that is the next right step in total trust of myself and my wisdom and knowledge, trusting my heart and my intuition.
This is a time to devote to myself and to discovering the depths of my self-trust and what I am capable of in the uncomfortable, the life I can create while being open to all that the human experience offers.
At this time self-trust and devotion means even the smallest things – which are the foundations of the bigger things. Doing yoga, writing every day, talking, and talking to Scott about anything and everything, having life conversations and listening to my boys, showing up in the services I offer, working with mentors and coaches. Saying no when I mean no. Finding my boundaries.
I swam in the ocean this morning and felt all of what is possible, I felt the depth of what can be, but I can’t yet fathom, I felt the feeling of knowing I made the right choice.
This is an uncomfortable time for me, and it feels good to be making moves, to living in a curious way and seeing what happens and how and what I create from this space.