The last few nights at 215am I have woken in absolute fear. And this is where all the big talk of changing my whole way of being comes into practice. The inner work that needs to be done to take that nauseating fear that has me feeling weak, tearful, and angry with myself away. Where I face the fear and change the stories, change the choices that are comfortable to ones that feel uncomfortable now, but are building self-trust, self-loyalty and one tiny step at a time building the life that I have written and talked about for years. Being home with Scott and the boys, truly taking care of myself, sleep, creating a business where I work with amazing women, where money flows and there a plenty of opportunities. And I am in the thick of it at the moment, I finished work on Friday, and I feel as though I am moving at a snail’s pace and each step, I take is conscious. It is only Monday and every day since stepping away from work something has come up to make me question what the hell I am doing. There has been yoga, breathing, walking, and swimming at the beach, I have filled half a journal of writing, I have flipped through the pages of Remember a ridiculous number of times. This is the work of being uncomfortable, trusting the decision that I made in love and leaning into the change and pushing out of all of my boundaries.
There is an urgency in me to quickly make replace the money that I make at the hospital. There is a panic and pull to stay comfortable and do what I have always done.
Trusting my body in the moment to guide me is to shift the scarcity to recognise it and move that energy and change it. I acknowledged the fears in my writing this morning and then turned it all around to the internal work that I am doing to support these big changes. I asked Scott to hold me through this time, we planted seeds and cut away all that was dead in our garden. We spent the whole morning in the sun. Me sipping warm drinks of chamomile and bone broth, eating fruit, and feeling the sun on my skin, my feet bare on the ground.
This afternoon has been a slow afternoon. We collected Tom from the farm and mum came for a cup of tea and an easter egg. The boys have been sleeping and I have been curled up on our lounge listening to the birds singing, the dog snoring and reading a book. Although I have energy that feels like I need to be racing towards these new beginnings, I am following my instincts and moving slowly.